So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
