what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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