Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
