I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
