maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize