Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
