I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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