I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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