i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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