i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
