Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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