I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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