11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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