honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
