Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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