DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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