I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
