Apparently you make a good broom.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
