this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize