eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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