Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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