You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
