You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
