Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
cat food counts as protein by the way
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
