when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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