Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
