# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize