I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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