someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
