we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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