my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You can't motorboat a personality
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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