i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
