he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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