If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You may now shotgun with the bride
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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