you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
