Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
