I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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