what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
