MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
