When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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