i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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