Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
