I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
