the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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