if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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