My room smells like vodka and shame
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
