did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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