dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
