did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
