You're my little dorito
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
