I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
