You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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