Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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