Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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