You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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