my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
