Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
