I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
