im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
foreskin is a definite game changer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
