guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
