ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
COCAINE IS GR8
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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