i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the room spins SO much faster in panama
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
